What is “The Talk” Step?
Age 11 is a great time to prepare your child for the changes and challenges of adolescence, which is why we’ve created “The Talk” step on the Faith Path. As a parent, you know your child best, so some of you may begin this step much earlier in your child’s life.
Far too many parents dread the teenage years and thus avoid discussing and equipping their child for this major transition in their life. Below you will find practical ideas and resources to help you navigate important conversations and questions. Your goal is to establish open and honest communication with your child. We’ve also included some frequently asked questions often posed by parents of early adolescents.
Put It Into Practice
The best way to prepare your child for the transition to adolescence is to set the stage. Mom with daughter, dad with son, or a single parent with either sex should spend time giving their preadolescent child a basic understanding of what’s coming before these exciting transitions begin. Help your child prepare for those changes in a proactive and positive way. Here’s a quick guide to the when and what of that time together:
When: Often, parents are concerned that they will overwhelm their preteen or encourage premature curiosity if they jump the gun in preparing them for adolescence. However, a greater concern is the likelihood that someone else will beat you to it. Children are typically ready before their parents, usually around age 11. Of course, not all children are the same. That’s why it’s important to spend time with your preteen child, getting a sense of where they are developmentally. Ask God for wisdom about the timing of your conversations.
What: You should plan to address the many areas of change your son or daughter will encounter during the transition to adulthood, especially bodily changes, decision-making, and his/her changing relationship to you.
- Body: It’s important to frame the physical changes ahead as much more than a plea for sexual abstinence. Your child needs a vision for how these internal and external changes will prepare the body for the joys of marriage and the miracle of creating new life.
- Decision-making: Increasingly, your child will need to make and assume responsibility for his/her own decisions. As you maintain your overall family values in areas like media choices, individual responsibilities (chores, homework, etc.), drugs and alcohol, you also need to direct your child in how to make wise decisions in areas of health and integrity. The first nine chapters of Proverbs can help guide an early teen on choosing wisdom over folly.
- Relationship to you: Consider explaining to your preteen that over the next decade, your role will progressively change from a teacher to that of a coach. You will begin to guide him/her in the transition toward independence. This is also a great time to intentionally foster relationships with other godly adults who can influence your child’s life.
Next Steps
Here are some practical ideas to get you started:
- Set aside a special time or trip with your child to go through one of the recommended resources for joint discussion.
- Create an environment for open communication for your child to share, talk, and discuss topics with you.
- Listen. Allow your child to share thoughts and questions without being judgmental or quick to give a lecture.
- Have fun! Your child is much more likely to listen and be open with you if you have established a good relationship by creating fun times.
Additional Resources
- The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality by Luke Gilkerson
- Helping Your Kids Know God's Good Design: 40 Questions and Answers on Sexuality and Gender by Elizabeth Urbanowicz
- So You're About to Be a Teenager by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
- Passport2Purity by Family Life, Dennis and Barbara Rainey
- 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter by Vicky Courtney
- Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn
- Help! My Child is Looking at Porn by Covenant Eyes
- Good Pictures Bad Pictures – Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson
- Holy Sexuality and the Gospel by Christopher Yuan
- It’s Time to Talk to your Kids About Porn by Greta Eskridge
- God's Design for Sex (series) by Stan Jones and Brenna Jones (This is a 4-book series that can be started as early as ages 3-5.)
- How and When to Tell Your Kids about Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Character (God's Design for Sex) by Stan Jones and Brenna Jones
Early Adolescence FAQs for Parents
How early should I talk to my child about relationships, purity, and dating?
Every child is different, but it’s time to discuss purity if any of the following is true:
- Your adolescent child shows interest in having a girl/boyfriend
- You notice texts, emails, social media posts, etc., from the opposite sex
- Your child has any sort of online access, including a home computer, mobile phone, iPod Touch, iPad, or any other electronic device
How can I talk to my daughter about modesty in a fun way?
Go on a shopping trip together and discuss fashion and basic guidelines to tell if something is modest or not. Let her go through the list and tell you what they feel comfortable with. Areas to discuss might include:
- Length on shorts/skirts: fingertip length is a common standard
- Proper ways to sit
- Swimsuit styles: One piece or two? How low on the top? How low on the bottom?
- Choosing tops: What’s too tight? Too loose? Breasts/cleavage covered when bending forward
How do I help my child set good boundaries for social media?
Set a time to discuss the following questions with him/her:
- What is a healthy/appropriate amount of time per day to spend online?
- How will you avoid giving the appearance that you are someone you’re not?
- Why is it easy for our worth to get wrapped up in what we post or comparing ourselves to what others are doing?
- What kinds of pictures are or aren’t appropriate to post? (i.e., swimsuit or pajama pictures, photos with too much skin showing, etc.)
- Emphasize the importance of never responding online to someone we don’t know in person.
How do I protect and help my child with temptations they’ll face with technology?
Even if you believe your child isn’t yet tempted, take the following proactive steps:
- Don’t allow your child to have a computer or TV in his/her room.
- If they have a mobile device, have them leave it in the kitchen a certain time each night.
- Limit and monitor text messages.
- Be careful of the shows you watch in the company of your child to avoid sending mixed messages.
- Check online parent reviews for content details on any movies, music, and TV shows they want to watch.
- Set controls/accountability on all TVs, computers, phones, and other electronic devices in your home using services such as covenanteyes.com, xxxchurch.com, qustodio.com, and vidangel.com.
How can I expose my child to the influence of other godly adults to reinforce what we are teaching at home?
When a child enters the adolescent years, it becomes important to help him/her glean from the example and influence of other godly adults. Some of these adults may become important voices in your child’s life when he/she reaches the Rite of Passage step of the Faith Path. A few suggestions:
- Start with extended family, including grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. Invite godly relatives to take an interest in your child’s activities by attending his/her concerts, games, award assemblies, etc. Ask them to invite your child to breakfast or ice cream occasionally to connect and speak into his/her life.
- When you eat meals with Christian friends, invite your adolescent son/daughter to sit at the adult table rather than with the kids. Simply including him/her in these conversations can help establish a bond with other godly adults.
- Introduce yourself to WoodsEdge ministry leaders, like the Fifty6 or Student Ministry pastors, and ask about godly volunteers. You might consider offering to volunteer in the ministry to get to know other adult leaders who might be willing to take a special interest in your child.